the stomach has ballooned and full or stretch marks. the thighs are fat like a pair of elephant's leg. the arms are flabby like a middle age auntie. the face, needless to say, is as round as a ball.

you said as long as a man loves you, he won't be bothered by your physical beauty. true, because i've got no physical beauty at all for men to even take notice of. I AM A BIG FAT FUGLY WOMAN! thus, no guys will ever take a second look at me. you know, it feels good to have you just hugged me and whispers in my ears that you love me for who i am and not hug me cus you want sex, whispers in my ears that you love me cus i gave birth to your kids. this just makes me feels like a sex machine and that you're with me cus i'm the mother of your kids. i do not want to feel that way. why can't you understands?

you said that if you happen to fall for someone and feels that you'll be happy being with her, you would tell me and we shall get a divorce and you will continue giving me allowances till i remarried or have another bf. what makes you think that i will remarry? you said that a marriage is sacred to you, so is it to me! i don't want to end up being divorce like my parents and like your parents!

you want me to get along with your mum, i tried.. i really tried my utmost. but it just doesn't work that way. i give in to her in every way i can, i even lied to myself that i only see her a few times a year, but she just gets more and more overboard! She compares me to Esther, i already keep quiet. She starts comparing Zachery to Esther's children! i absolutely hates it when people make comparison between anything/anyone related to me to anything/anyone who i don't give a shit.

you said you want and loves to go to nightclubs and drink with Dave they all. but you can't go cus you scared i'm angry. you are the type of person who does wad others are doing and wants to do it the best. you are easily influenced. at least that's wad i notice. you said tho you go nightclubs, you wont bring the girls home and just want to see how they get themselves silly. let's just be frank, you are a guy, won't you get tempted by those bitches? let's say, i go to gigolo clubs with my frens, wad will you think? would you allow? when i say i didn't touch the guys, i really didn't touch. yes, they make me very happy by complementing me, praising me etc.. but i don't 'diao' them flowers, neither do i get really close with them! i don't know how to continue this with you, i just feel that we're really different.

you said you wanna be yourself, but you couldn't. cus sometimes, you hate yourself also. even you hate yourself, why would you want to be yourself? why don't you want to change? you said you force yourself to change to the type that i want, but you're not, so why bother...? i want a meticulous, smart, clean and hygienic and healthy, listen and take in and act according to my advice bloke. you're not. you've got bad breath at times, and dirty and digs nose in public and unhealthy, lazy and always choose not to listen to my advice. so why bother changing when you're doing it all wrong? just be yourself..

i want to be myself too! but i'm afraid that you will be angry, that's why everything i just keep quiet.. i always ask you whether you've noticed any changes in me, you always said yes, and the answer will always be you change your temper a lot.. last time you always throw temper, now you don't.. ever wondered why? reason being i'm afraid of losing you! why, you may ask.. i don't know the true answer to this. but, these are the reasons that comes to my mind when i ask myself that question. much as i do not want to admit it, it just stuck there. there must be some reason it got stuck. well, they are, i don't wanna lose a man that i gave up everything for, i don't want to lose the finance that comes with you and i don't want to lose the luxuries that it comes with you, tho' the luxury part isn't much, it's all just create by myself.

there's a lot of times, i asked myself what will i do without you, just like you love to ask me this recently. i have no answers to that at all.. my mind comes to a blank when it reaches this question. after pondering, the answer will be i guess i'll just end my life as i see no point in carrying on when I've gave up everything for you and you just discard me and leave with another woman. if there's no way for me to die, i'll probably go bonkers..

you know... i'm not as strong as i seems to be.. i just don't want to show you the weak side of me. i don't want to ruin your impression of me when you first met me. a strong and independent girl. in fact, i am not strong, i am not independent. i used to drink to forget and run away from my problems, but i realise that drinking doesn't solve the problem, it only worsen it. it only helps to drag it. till now, i still want to turn to alcohol to run away from my problems. i am scare.. i am scare of what's out there. i am scared of problems. but the more you protect me, the more i want to go out and find out what's there. but then again, i am scare of what's out there.

you said that i always cry when we quarrel, do you even know the reason that i cry? i'm heart broken and very angry. you don't see me crying when i quarrel with others. that's cus they don't matter to me much, you do! you matter to me a lot! i don't care much about how my 'frens' treat me. but i do care and get really sensitive to how you treat me!

you said i'm not giving you enough sex. i want to give you sex. i want to make you feel good. but i can't really do that without giving myself a thought right?

it's not easy for me at all to come to terms that i have a kid (going to be 2) and married at a young age of 20. it's not easy for me to pop Zachery out like it doesn't hurt me a bit or doesn't affect me in the bedroom sense at all! i really don't know how to explain all these to you, but i simply hope that you read it, you understands it. i want to be the kind that you love and can't get enough of, but it's hard! given that i don't feel sexy at all and am fat and flabby all over.....

sigh... my hands are really tired from typing these much, but i really do hope that you try to understand me and my thinking. i'm sure both you and i wants to work this marriage out.

you know, I LOVE YOU, i really do................