23 April 2010
you know... for the first time in my life, i'm actually stumped for words.. i know that i'm in the wrong after thinking through the whole incident and putting myself in your shoes. i called without the intention of quarreling with you. for the first time in my life, i feel worried for you, i feel scared. yet, when you chose to pick up that call which I've been trying to get through to you, i am stumped for words. i want to apologize, i want to explain and make you understand and less pissed, but it just got stuck.. for the first time, i truly can't find any words to say to you which will make you feel better. well, i know now that whatever i say, you will only get more angry and nothing will go through your head.. i just hope that when you've cooled down, you'll gimme a call or something..
17:43
18 April 2010
am i getting...
okay.. so here it goes.. am i getting old? i seem to get sucked into the baking and cooking world.. i no longer Google for 'in' items, instead, i Google for recipes.. RECIPES! OMFG! can you believe it?! RECIPES! hahs! i didn't realise it till earlier on the husband was asking me why am i suddenly so into the 'kitchen' stuffs.. the kitchen used to be his territory.. whatever i want in there, he will whip it up for me except for the ones that i can just grab and go from the fridge..
i tried baking cookies and sorbet.. lemon and lime sorbet.. i don't know how the sorbet would taste like so i was actually having qualms about mixing in 5 lemons and 5 limes.. lols.. it came out too sour! lols.. but still edible lahz.. not bad for my first try in the kitchen doing serious cooking le lahz! lols....! the cookie was fucked up... i'm suppose to end up with round, crunchy and golden brown cookies.. but instead of that, i ended up with rectangular, soggy and dark brown cookies.. which is totally inedible.. it was looking good when i had the mixture done.. but the husband placed too much dough on the baking pan.. lols.. fine, i got the directions for mixing the dough wrong too.. suppose to add in the ingredients one by one.. but i add all in at one time and mixed them up.. going for another attempt at it again when i have the feel.. lols..
New module started.. New assignment.. New exam... New stress.. sigh.. how am i suppose to get my assignment done and study for exam at the same time?
I went online and bought like 2 pairs of dolly winks.. top and bottom = 2 pair.. paid for by the husband.. initially he agreed to buy me 2 and added on another 2 when i was ordering.. but i removed it and he has to give me money for the 2 that i didn't order. so it's kinda like i buy 2 and take the money for the other 2 instead of products.. got an email saying that they've received the payment and will be sending them out in the next 1-2 working day.. so i will receive it in about 3-4 weeks time bahz..
can't wait for the day where my dollywink and threadless tee and all my online stuffs got send to me.. muahahaha...!
22:27
12 April 2010
i think that as we grow older, there will be different cliques in our life.. who does stay with you for as long as you live other den the partner that you share your marriage vows with? even that person might not be with you for the rest of your life since the day you met him/her. seen too much people around me saying that their pri/sec/poly/jc/uni cliques got drifted apart and ask why. maybe cus it's just too hard to actually keep in contact given their hectic and busy schedules? leaving it to tml, which the 'tml' doesn't actually comes. people does move on, so does friends. only friends that does not move on without you are worth your care and concern and they are your true friends who you have to keep dear in your heart....
00:08
09 April 2010
Miscommunication or misunderstanding?
There's so much I wanna tell you. About how I feel, what I want and what I think. But whenever I Touch on this topic, you always manage to get agitated and angry. I don't know why... You said I am ruining this relationship. But may I ask, in what way am I ruining it? You think that a marriage is a sacred thing, I don't. But that doesn't mean that I do not want to work out this marriage, to make it last forever..! Baby, I am really exploding soon, I am sick of keeping every known feelings and wants and thoughts to myself. Perhaps that's why I turn to the Internet, facebook and Twitter to release it. To keep myself sane.
I am really very tired already. You said you like talking things out with me in a calm way, but you're not calm when it comes to me talking about my emotions. I don't know whether is it just you or is it the same with all guys. Whenever we manage to talk calmly, it's always you who's talking and me listening. When you've finish your piece, the whole conversation will end. I do not know whether continuing trying to change myself to the kind you always like will be better or just go back to my old ways would be better. In fact, I don't know anything anymore.
Is it misunderstandings between us or I have kept quiet for too long that has caused miscommunication between us?
05:18
08 April 2010
Fellings that are hard to comprehend
the first pregnancy is over.. the second starts without having a rest.. the first pregnancy, i put on 20KG of weight, thus i'm fat. the second pregnancy comes, and i'm continuing to put on more weight, thus i feel fat. looking at myself in the mirror, i just feel like vomiting. i can't bring myself to touch that fugly body if i were a guy.
the stomach has ballooned and full or stretch marks. the thighs are fat like a pair of elephant's leg. the arms are flabby like a middle age auntie. the face, needless to say, is as round as a ball.
you said as long as a man loves you, he won't be bothered by your physical beauty. true, because i've got no physical beauty at all for men to even take notice of. I AM A BIG FAT FUGLY WOMAN! thus, no guys will ever take a second look at me. you know, it feels good to have you just hugged me and whispers in my ears that you love me for who i am and not hug me cus you want sex, whispers in my ears that you love me cus i gave birth to your kids. this just makes me feels like a sex machine and that you're with me cus i'm the mother of your kids. i do not want to feel that way. why can't you understands?
you said that if you happen to fall for someone and feels that you'll be happy being with her, you would tell me and we shall get a divorce and you will continue giving me allowances till i remarried or have another bf. what makes you think that i will remarry? you said that a marriage is sacred to you, so is it to me! i don't want to end up being divorce like my parents and like your parents!
you want me to get along with your mum, i tried.. i really tried my utmost. but it just doesn't work that way. i give in to her in every way i can, i even lied to myself that i only see her a few times a year, but she just gets more and more overboard! She compares me to Esther, i already keep quiet. She starts comparing Zachery to Esther's children! i absolutely hates it when people make comparison between anything/anyone related to me to anything/anyone who i don't give a shit.
you said you want and loves to go to nightclubs and drink with Dave they all. but you can't go cus you scared i'm angry. you are the type of person who does wad others are doing and wants to do it the best. you are easily influenced. at least that's wad i notice. you said tho you go nightclubs, you wont bring the girls home and just want to see how they get themselves silly. let's just be frank, you are a guy, won't you get tempted by those bitches? let's say, i go to gigolo clubs with my frens, wad will you think? would you allow? when i say i didn't touch the guys, i really didn't touch. yes, they make me very happy by complementing me, praising me etc.. but i don't 'diao' them flowers, neither do i get really close with them! i don't know how to continue this with you, i just feel that we're really different.
you said you wanna be yourself, but you couldn't. cus sometimes, you hate yourself also. even you hate yourself, why would you want to be yourself? why don't you want to change? you said you force yourself to change to the type that i want, but you're not, so why bother...? i want a meticulous, smart, clean and hygienic and healthy, listen and take in and act according to my advice bloke. you're not. you've got bad breath at times, and dirty and digs nose in public and unhealthy, lazy and always choose not to listen to my advice. so why bother changing when you're doing it all wrong? just be yourself..
i want to be myself too! but i'm afraid that you will be angry, that's why everything i just keep quiet.. i always ask you whether you've noticed any changes in me, you always said yes, and the answer will always be you change your temper a lot.. last time you always throw temper, now you don't.. ever wondered why? reason being i'm afraid of losing you! why, you may ask.. i don't know the true answer to this. but, these are the reasons that comes to my mind when i ask myself that question. much as i do not want to admit it, it just stuck there. there must be some reason it got stuck. well, they are, i don't wanna lose a man that i gave up everything for, i don't want to lose the finance that comes with you and i don't want to lose the luxuries that it comes with you, tho' the luxury part isn't much, it's all just create by myself.
there's a lot of times, i asked myself what will i do without you, just like you love to ask me this recently. i have no answers to that at all.. my mind comes to a blank when it reaches this question. after pondering, the answer will be i guess i'll just end my life as i see no point in carrying on when I've gave up everything for you and you just discard me and leave with another woman. if there's no way for me to die, i'll probably go bonkers..
you know... i'm not as strong as i seems to be.. i just don't want to show you the weak side of me. i don't want to ruin your impression of me when you first met me. a strong and independent girl. in fact, i am not strong, i am not independent. i used to drink to forget and run away from my problems, but i realise that drinking doesn't solve the problem, it only worsen it. it only helps to drag it. till now, i still want to turn to alcohol to run away from my problems. i am scare.. i am scare of what's out there. i am scared of problems. but the more you protect me, the more i want to go out and find out what's there. but then again, i am scare of what's out there.
you said that i always cry when we quarrel, do you even know the reason that i cry? i'm heart broken and very angry. you don't see me crying when i quarrel with others. that's cus they don't matter to me much, you do! you matter to me a lot! i don't care much about how my 'frens' treat me. but i do care and get really sensitive to how you treat me!
you said i'm not giving you enough sex. i want to give you sex. i want to make you feel good. but i can't really do that without giving myself a thought right?
it's not easy for me at all to come to terms that i have a kid (going to be 2) and married at a young age of 20. it's not easy for me to pop Zachery out like it doesn't hurt me a bit or doesn't affect me in the bedroom sense at all! i really don't know how to explain all these to you, but i simply hope that you read it, you understands it. i want to be the kind that you love and can't get enough of, but it's hard! given that i don't feel sexy at all and am fat and flabby all over.....
sigh... my hands are really tired from typing these much, but i really do hope that you try to understand me and my thinking. i'm sure both you and i wants to work this marriage out.
you know, I LOVE YOU, i really do................
03:25
i'm back~~
it's been so long... i thought i had stop blogging for good.. but it turns out that there's a lot of times when i feel a really strong urge for blogging. take getting ROM-ed for example, there's a strong urge for me to blog.. but i just refuse to blog.. this time round, why did i choose to blog.. simply cus i don't know of any other ways to voice out my long overdue thoughts and feelings..
i tried voicing out vocally.. but it never seems to work.. you never seems to understand.. you told me you are going to read my blog tml, when you wakes up.. tho' i said that you dont have to read it, but i really do wish that you will read it and understands how i feel..
let's start with Yumei's incident.. it left me speechless.. she was your FIRST love, your FIRST gf, your FIRST serious relationship.. she was your everything! you used to tell me everything.. today you told me that you are afraid of telling my stuffs.. if you are really afraid of telling me stuffs, den why did you tell me everything in the first place.. might as well just start with not telling me anything at all and when you are trying to hide some things, i won't get suspicious!
Yes, i might have gotten angry and throw my temper at you for telling me stuffs which i think is bad and blah blah blah.. but after that, you are forgiven! you don't tell me, and i found out myself, i got even more angry, and it takes longer for me to forgive you! why can't you just understand this?! it totally crush me when i found out that you contacted her and have been hiding it from me.. you even arranged to meet up with her! what if i didn't find out after all? would you still go ahead and meet her and tells me that you're going to work? both of you might not have anything going on, but it doesn't mean that people outside the box will think that way!
Lemme explain to you why:
- You hide everything with her involve in.
- You plan to meet her without telling me.
- She's your FIRST love!
isn't this enough evidence for me to get angry and disappointed in you? you just don't get it, do you? i bet my arse that up till now, you still thinks that i am angry that you contact her! NO NO NO! I am not angry with you contacting her! I am angry that you HIDE things from me!
Secondly, I DID NOT know of any girl named Yu in your life till last night at Liquid Forty when i happen to look at your message when your hp rings. Imagine a guy that you doesn't know existed and suddenly you saw his message and his message sounds so personal and endearing.
What's with 'Don't worry about me darling. Just concentrate on your job. I'll be fine.'????!!! I could not accept your explanation simply cus it just seems and sounds like you're squirming your way out of this situation! You said you were with their group which consist of ONLY CASIN (wadever her name is) and YU! so that's not exactly a GROUP is it? I do NOT know who the FUCK is CASIN and you didn't bother trying to explain to me who she is. only say she's CAPT PANG ASST. How the FUCK would I know who is CAPT PANG? you can just point some guy on the street and say ohh, he is capt pang. and i'll stupidly believe you again.
you know.... typing this thru, i realise that there's not much to be said.. i trusted you.. you broke it.. now come this darling Yu... i don't know wad's right and wad's wrong anymore.. and i really hope and pray hard that you understands wad i'm actually going thru now..
I dont need you to say or advice anything when i talk to you regarding my feelings. i just want you to understand! you always say that you understand, but in true fact, do you really understand? or are you just saying that you understand just so that you could shut me up? i don't know..
02:41
