tell me... in what ways am i inferior to her? i knew you still have feelings for her initially. i was hoping that i could change the way you feel towards her. and i was stupid. i was an idiot in believing every single thing that you told me. like how special i am to you.. like how much you love *no i shouldn't say love, i should say loved* me. how much i meant to you.. now i know that's all lies. i know now.. and thank you for hurting me.. after all, she still means alot to you. and all i am in your heart, is just a puppet who will wait for you all the time, who will do things that she wouldn't do for you. i'm just naive in believing you, trusting you.. and even loving you.. i beg of you, to just stop hurting me. to just let me hurt myself, let me inflict pain onto myself.. i am able to do that without your help.. so just leave me and have a great future ahead with her. i will go on living well even without you.. you fucking, lying bastard..

20:04

i don't know why you are doing the things that you do. but it really hurts. i don't know why you lied.. i don't know why you are still doing stuffs that will hurt me though we are no longer together.. is it really so fun? do you mean the things that you told me the other day? do you even meant it a little? i don't care if you lied to me or what. but i mind alot that you lent her my sun-glasses. you told me you like it.. is it cause she likes it?

I HATE YOU!!!

I HATE HER!!!

i don't know how to express myself anymore.. i thought i had bring myself back together again.. i knew i did it.. but.... why??? why do you still want to mess up my life again? finally i've pulled myself up.. finally, i've stopped hurting myself.. finally i'm opening up.. but why??? why??? why must you be the one who hurts me?????????

19:26

IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!

First of all, i wanto wish everyone who read my blog a very MERRY CHRISTMAS .

Secondly, i wanto let everyone who read my blog know that i had alot of fun last night and that i really enjoyed myself. so don't worry about it. i won't get drunk cause of upset over a guy le. i will only get drunk happily!!

Thirdly, i want to be proud of myself and pat myself in the back cause i didn't get drunk last night though i was really happy. hahas.. i mix beer with vodka with martell. and i'm not drunk!! went to dragonfly, mos then double C. was so happy lahz!! hug everyone i know and wish them a really merry christmas. but then again, i say my girl fren crying.. which dampens my mood a little. i think she had a quarrel with her bf or what. she was sitting outside double c crying.. and i really hate that feeling whereby i can't do anything to comfort her. her tears are just streaming down her cheeks, and i feel so helpless. well.. did talk to my regular customer about some stuffs. and came to a decision. i have already decided to forget you and move on with life.

this is like so great. like i've let go of a really heavy baggage and now i'm feeling so much better. ohh well.. if you are reading this, don't think that you are a heavy baggage for me as i don't mind. but the thing is you are playing some sort of patience game and you are twirling me around your fingers and i don't like it. i don't like this kind of game. just like that guy at dragonfly, keep looking into my eye and made some moves trying to make me think that he's coming over to pick me up when his gf is just right beside him. and that i'm playing a game with him. turning him round and round my fingers. keeping the eye contact for not too long and yet not too short to make him think that i'm checking him out and with a little curve at the end of my mouth to make him think that i'm actually smiling at him. when he's about to smile back, i turned away. and YES!!! that is really very fun!! i love this kind of feeling. the "i'm on a winning side" kind of feeling. but i don't like the "i'm on the losing end" kind of feeling. you get what i mean?

ohh well....

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

11:50

i do realise that when people are being treated really nice, they don't realise it until the other partner lose control, lose patience to treat his/her partner nice in return. and when that happens, the 'victim' just go on a binge drinking session, go into "EMO" mood.

but then, think about it. i'm also like this in the past. it's only when i've lose someone that i truely, deeply love den i realise that i'm this way. i may tell others that i've been thru this been thru that. and we will always be doing the same thing be it we realise it or not. humans are this way. conciously, they may know that doing certain things are wrong. but subconciously they are doing the 'wrong' thing. settling the problem with the wrong method.

it just happens this way. i have no idea why. and i do realise that it's my mistake to let that person who i love go. but i guess it's too late for me to say it now. well.. if that person happens to be you, do drop me a msg if it's not too late for me to pick up the pieces.

i'm sorry for the things i've done, i'm sorry for the words that i've said, i'm sorry for quarreling with you on every aspect. do text me if you accept all these apologies. and i still love you baby.

12:34

heard this song.. really nice and suits my feeling at the point of time.. here it goes.. the lyrics..

Gotta Go My Own Way

Girl: I gotta say what's on my mind; Something about us doesn't seem right... these days; Life keeps getting in the way; Whenever we try; Somehow the plan is always rearranged; It's so hard to say; But i gotta do what's best for me; You'll be okay

Chorus

I've gotta move on, and be who i am; I just don't belong here; I hope you understand; We might find our place in this world someday; But at least for now; I gotta go my own way

Girl: Don't wanna leave it all behind; But i get my hopes up and i watch them fall everytime; Another colour turns to grey; And it's just too hard... to watch it all... slowly fade away; I'm leaving today; 'Cause i gotta do what's best for me; You'll be okay

Chorus

Guy: What about us? What about everything we've been through?

Girl: What about trust?

Guy: You know i never wanted to hurt you

Girl: What about me?

Guy: What am i suppose to do...

Girl: I gotta leave but i'll miss you

Guy: ... miss you

Chorus(Repeat)

16:31

why are people always contradicting themselveS? yea.. i know i've commented on this topic before.. but... sigh.. i just don't understand. and why do people forget the things that you've told them and insisted that you lied? hmmm... trying to figure these questions out myself. but i guess humans are all like this. contradicting and refusing to admit that they themselves are in the wrong. well.. i'm not referring to ANYBODY here.. just voice-ing out my thoughts that's all..

02:20

It's really so boring at work today. no idea why the time wanto pass by so slowly today. watching videos after videos.. yawning after yawning.. and time still pass by really slowly.. the last time i look at the clock was 3.30pm. now is only 3.46pm. gosh!!!!!

CAN TIME CRAWL BY ANY SLOWER?!!! I'M DYING OF SLEEPINESS AND BOREDOM!!!!

i wanna die le lahz.. so sleepy.. hahas.. so bored.. watching videos take screen shots and save them.. arghh! i have this really strong feeling that i'm going to tender in my resignation letter really soon.. say tomorrow? or next week or even next month!! lol.. tired tired tired!!!

15:38

hmm... working now.. got nothing to do.. so bored.. didn't realise that office work is so bored.. lunch time coming and i already feel like smoking. i feel like sleeping too. too much has happened recently. i have no idea how to say it out. and sadly to say, i have no idea how to write it out also. in the past, i usually write out or type out my feelings and thoughts but now, i have no idea how to do it. it's been like a really long time since i last wrote my blog. simply cus i have no idea how to express myself anymore.. really damn bored right now and i'm talking crap again.. no answers to alot of questions. be it towards my boss, my working place or my relationship or even my life! haha..

Christmas is just round the corner!!! HURRAY!!!

11:37

what i meant in my previous entry is that i'll forget you if that's what you want. you said not to see each other for sometime. i felt so hurt. do you even know that? you feel that pain, the hurt, the stab, the cuts, the blood. i feel so hurt that no matter how i try to hurt myself i just don't feel the pain anymore. i just can't cry anymore. i just don't feel the hurt anymore. my friends tell me i'm numb already. hurt till i'm numb. this is really scary. really. i can't feel anything right now. nothing.

16:22

看灯火模仿坠落的星光

你总说时间还很多

你可以等我

以前我不懂得

未必明天就有以后

想念是会呼吸的痛

它活在我身上所有角落

哼你爱的歌会痛

看你的信会痛

连沉默也痛

遗憾是会呼吸的痛

它流在血液中来回滚动

后悔不贴心会痛

恨不懂你会痛

想见不能见最痛

没看你脸上张扬过哀伤

那是种多么寂寞的倔强

你拆了城墙让我去流浪

在原地等我把自己捆绑

你没说你也会软弱

需要依赖我

我就装不晓得

自由移动自我地过

想念是会呼吸的痛

它活在我身上所有角落

哼你爱的歌会痛

看你的信会痛

连沉默也痛

遗憾是会呼吸的痛

它流在血液中来回滚动

后悔不贴心会痛

恨不懂你会痛

想见不能见最痛

我发誓不再说谎了

多爱你就会抱你多紧的

我的微笑都假了

灵魂像飘浮着

你在就好了

我发誓不让你等候

陪你做想做的无论什么

我越来越像贝壳

怕心被人触碰

你回来那就好了

能重来那就好了

15:38

[CheeRs]

15:11

can't really sleep this morning. been drinking the whole night. was thinking of going down to double c to look for KL. just as i was about to go shower, i got a call from boss. he ask me to go down work as Mr. Chiam is looking for me. i was like who is he. and after everything knowing who he is, i went shower and took a cab down. there wasn't so much people. and saw my friends there. talk abit and they left. den ah meow they all came down. talk to them and they went off. basically, the whole night i was there i was just entertaining the Mr. Chiam. and i'm actually paid to do that. i feel so............ then some stuffs just happen and i actually got really upset. went to the back alley and cried for awhile. ivan came out, asked me what's wrong. i looked at him and started crying again. he don't know what to do but just stand there and try to comfort me. after awhile, i felt okay. i felt much better. went in, continue being the happy sammi, then went to dragonfly after work. drank quite abit. but don't feel anything. don't know why, maybe cus i'm in a bad mood, so no kick when i drink. slept at around 8+. then woke up at 1+. tossing and turning throughout. can't really rest well.

17:37

sometimes, i really don't know what you are thinking or what you are angry about. can't you just let me know? i have already explained last night situation to you already. but you are still angry. i have no idea how to appease you anymore. i wasn't enjoying myself last night. but why must you think that people go boat quay = enjoying themselves ? can't it be purely taking care of other people? if i were enjoying myself, i would have gone home after double c close. but i didn't. i stay with KL all the way although i was already so freaking sleepy and tired. i just want to take good care of my sister whether she only looks for me when she's down or not. i don't really care how she treats me. she's my one and only sister, i want to dote on her, love her and take really good care of her without considering myself. be it my health or financially. i really hope you will understand my dear. really.

19:10

today will be the 3rd month and 3rd day we are together if we didn't break up. after the talk that we had last night, i got a call this afternoon. asking me to go for an interview at AMK at 10 in the morning tomorrow. which is for the position of admin assistant. which is why i'm so excited to tell you. called you. you didn't pick up. text you, you didn't reply. what the heck are you doing anyway? well anyway, is it possible for you to accompany to the interview tomorrow? if cannot then it's okay. don't worry so much.

sometimes, life is like this. when you want that something so much, you can't find it. when you don't want it that much or given up hope on it already, it comes to you. i don't know whether these kinda things happen to you guys anot. but it always happens to me. and that's how i learn not to cry too loud and laugh loudly. the other day i text in to CLASS 95FM to tell the DJ about how i feel. and she played the song 'You Are Not Alone' by Micheal Jackson. it really touches my heart. i still remembered the advice. 'If you don't wanna smile then don't smile. If you wanna cry then just cry. If you don't wanna laugh then don't laugh. one day, you will walk out of this depression and you will look back and think,'hey! why ami like this in the past?'. you will even laugh about it when you wake up from this nightmare.'

thinking back to what she'd said, she does have a point there. the msg just sink in without me realising it. and that is really such a wonderful feeling knowing that there's something inside you that you can turn to whenever you are feeling low. something that will always be there whenever you need advice or encouragement. well.. that really picks me up a 'lil bit more then ever. and i strongly believe that there will be more improvements in the near future.

Baby, i want you to look at how i change from a baby to a mature adult. i want you to see every single little detail that i do to change.

14:39

sometimes, life is just so unpredictable. when you think that you will be happy in doing something or meeting someone, you'll end up disappointed by the end result. it'll not only make you feel more depress, more upset, more emo. it also won't give you the feeling that you want which is usually positive feelings. i.e. happy.

i don't know why. i've tested the waters, i've got the end result. but still i want to try further more. i want to test the water some more. i might be just stubborn. unable or even refuse to accept the result. trying to test till i got the results i want. which no one will know when will i get it or how am i suppose to get it. it's like, you know the sea water is salty. you've tasted it, you've tried it. but still you still want to taste it some more. you choose not to believe that it's salty. you want to taste it till it becomes sweet. but, everyone knows that the sea water is salty. everyone tells you to forget about getting the end results that you want. but you still stubbornly want to try till it has become sweet. you get what i mean? this is exactly what i'm feeling and doing now. is it stupid of me or is it that love is indeed blinding me. impaired my eye sight. making me reading and seeing the wrong moves. see the opposite of what it is suppose to be, making the wrong decision, taking a wrong step.

hmmmmm...... my head is full of questions. full of unanswered questions, which is yelling at me to get the answers. but no matter where i look, how i think, i still can't get the answers.

can anyone give me the answers that i need? anyone? hello.....???

00:31

i don't know what else to say except for agree-ing with you in everything that you've said.

i don't know what else to do except for doing what you asked me to do.

i feel so hurt. so much hurt that any external pain, i don't feel. so hurt that i only feel the pain inside me.

i lose sleep over this. i lose my appetite over this. i lose my moods and myself over this.

but at the end of the day, is it even worth it?

will you even be there to see my changes and the things that i've achieved?

will you be just a friend, standing beside me and congratulating me inside you?

or will you be there with me, looking at the process of me changing and be proud of me?

i have no idea. i need some guidance. i need a helping hand. i need my loved one to be there.

and that loved one, is YOU. only YOU and no one else.

BABY, I LOVE YOU

08:01

sometimes, your heart tells you to do something. but, when you really go and do it. your heart tells you 'hey girl! this feels weird. can you just stop doing this?' and then you will be like talking back to your heart 'hey heart! this is what you ask me to do and now you are contradicting yourself. is this even right logically?'

you know, sometimes we humans are also so contradicting. always contradicting ourselves. be it our actions or our words or even our feelings. so what shoud we do? 18 years old right now (18 years, 6 months and 23 days old to be exact). what am i doing? what have i achieved? nothing. YES, you didn't read it wrong, it's N-O-T-H-I-N-G NOTHING! well.. maybe not that worst. at least i did try to support my family with my own bear hands at the age of 17. but that lasted for like only 1 year. so yahz.... that doesn't sound too bad, does it? now, i'm trying to do what i did before, be who i am before. be the strong Sammi that doesn't let anything gets into her way or make her fall. but, at this time, is it really so easy? is that really so simple as to type these words out and doing it? no!! i know that too. first of all, i'm going to find a job, a day job this time round. secondly, i'm going to start saving up. lastly (and hopefully), save my relationship and make it a relationship that everyone would envy, jealous of and even hope to have. i've took the first step to change. that is to wake up earlier then the previous day and send out as many resume as i can without getting my fingers cramp. but so far, think about it, this is the only step i can do right now.

Brain,'Hey Sam! what nonsense are you talking about?! of course this is currently, read it carefuly, CURRENTLY the only thing that you could do right now!'

Me,' ohh.. yah..well.. just let me be crazy and nonsense for now can?!'

so yah.. this is the conversation that i'm having with my brainy brain brain right now.

well, what happened to all the promises that we've made for each other? what happened to all the deals that we had? what happened to us? what happened to this relationship? what has caused it break, to have torn is all apart? what had actually happened?

Fuck, i'm thinking again.. i'm getting myself hurt again.. i'm getting EMO again..

well.. i guess this is the cue for me to stop writing already.

talk to you next time..

cheers...

01:03

我不配 这是我的感觉

18:07

彩虹

18:06

CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!

17:37

girl loves boy. boy loves girl. boy let goes of girl. end of story. girl hopes that this won't be the final ending. cus it just hurts too much. so much that............................

17:32

Bienvenida! Hi, this is a blog regarding my life. If you ain't happy with what you're seeing, Please feel free to click on the 'x' button at the top right hand corner of your screen. And please refrain from dissing. Other than these, Please enjoy your stay here! =)

Queen Sammi
Complicated with a touch of Simplicity